the chrysalis

[8/6]

i’m feeling very foreign

to myself.

i don’t know when it happened 

but i started feeling

out of sync

out of alignment

out of me.

that scared me

so i clung to the bit and pieces of me that i remembered

the phrases and actions

i could recognize,

the behaviors that felt

so familiar to me.

but i’ve had a growing sense of discomfort.

these things which are so familiar 

no longer feel right. and it 

makes 

me

anxious.

but anxiety is an emotion i 

don’t feel comfortable in

so i construct a mental

chamber in which 

i tell myself lies,

i tell myself

this

is who

i/

am

don’t

doubt 

yourself.

but how do you not doubt yourself when you are changing the very fabric of who you are?

in this chamber,

i not only must convince myself

through a constant stream of lies

dissociation

dissonance

disconnect 

that i/

am 

who i say i/

am,

but i also must project that

claim into the world around me.

i have been posturing,

overcompensating,

overcome with hubris

so i don’t have to confront the idea that

i/

don’t 

know

who 

i am

or where

i am is headed.

i’ve lost sight of my self

and shamed myself for it,

then painted a mask of my old self

to don when i feel i need 

some identity

some ego 

to cling to.

how do i surrender my past iterations?

how do i gift myself the freedom of newness?

- x.s.